Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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