i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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