Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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