if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
