My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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