Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
