Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
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