I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
