I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
