one two three fourrrrnication!
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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