Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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