I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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