Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
