I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
