remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
