I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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