What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
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