She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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