I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
