I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Randomize
