Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
