Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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