I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
