You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
