There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
