Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Randomize
