I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I wish you could order shots online.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
