I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Randomize
