i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
