bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
