Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
