I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
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