I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
