No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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