At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Come share oat with me in your robe
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
