Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
