my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
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