Your dad touched me again.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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