Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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