He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
