I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
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