well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
