he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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