Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
A+ Viking dick
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
