hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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