I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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