i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
