I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
