I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
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