if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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